The Downward Spiral

It's been slowly creeping, slowly building up and this morning it hit, like a bat out of hell! Insanity overtaking sanity in the everyday race of life. Anger, rage, frustration, lonliness, jealousy, tears, lots of tears. The pain is so deep and it really, really hurts!

The following is a transcript from a voice memo I recorded on my phone while driving to school this morning. I'm typing it up 3 hours later when my meds have kicked in. I can't believe the pain in my voice as I describe how I was feeling. It's so different to how I feel now.

"The pain it just...I don't even know how to say it. Maybe it's the endless grey days. Maybe its... the lonliness. Maybe it's the final realisation that it's been six months and I'm still living far away from the people who know me the best and who I have nowhere near enough contact with. Maybe it's the everyday routine of hour long round trips for school drop off and pick up. Maybe it's being with children ALL the time and not getting a break to be by myself...Maybe it's the fact that I missed my meds yesterday and todays meds haven't kicked in yet. But, argh.... the tears and the frustration and the pain, oh the pain...it just hurts. I don't know how to stop it. The tears come and the frustration and I want to curl up in a ball in the corner and scream and scream and scream and I don't want anyone to touch me or anyone to talk to me. I just want to be alone. Which makes it worse cos it makes you think that noone loves you, noone cares, noone understands. And in the back of your mind you know, part of you, the reasoning part of you comes out and you know that none of that is true, but the pain just pushes that away. It's so black. So black. It's so deep. And I know in an hour or two when the meds have kicked in I'll look back and I'll say.. .you are being so silly kylie, so silly. It's just so real at the time. You just want someone to reach out and embrace you and say I understand, I understand and I love you. God help anyone who suffers depression at anytime. It's such a  lonely, lonely place. It's horrible cos the kids do something and you scream at them. And they don't understand what they have done. Its just not fair, its just not fair...Anyway, I'm just trying to communicate what it is like to be in that pit. The despair, the fustration, the anger, the lonliness... its just raw. It's just so raw.*sigh* I hate it! Hate it, hate it, hate it so much! Argh, I really, really cannot miss my meds. Not now. I just feel like such a worthless, useless human being. Thats how I feel. Worthless. Useless. Unthought of. Unloved. Reason tells me that's not true. There is no reason when you feell like this. There is none! It doesn't even help talking about it. You just want someone to understand. And now I'm repeating my myself. "

Can you feel it? You may. You may not. If you heard how I sounded, you  may understand a little more. There were tears in my voice. Helplessness. Despair. Despondance. It was all there in my tone. I mostly spoke quietly with long pauses. Very sad to hear. It sounded like I was listening to a completely different person.

I'm not sharing this with you because I want empathy or sympathy. Heavens no! I'm sharing this because I want to make people more aware of what it means and feels to have depression. This is only a snippet of what it's like. Imagine living like that day in, day out. I only get like that when I miss my meds. Praise the Lord for meds that work!

~ Ky x